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A woman wonders what to do next: The object of her affection at church services is oblivious to her flirting overtures!
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By Margot Carmichael Lester
 ear Margot,
For weeks now, I’ve been dropping subtle hints to a man I know from church in hopes he’ll ask me out, but he hasn’t. Short of coming out and telling him I’d like to go out with him (which I’m certainly not comfortable with!), what’s a girl to do?
- Lady in Waiting
Dear Waiting,
As a modern woman, I like to think we’ve come a long way, baby, and that dating is better for us gals than it used to be. But when I hear a story like |  | | Dating is better for us gals than it used to be. |
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yours, I’m not sure. Just like we won the right to vote, we won the right to ask a guy out on a date. But somehow it often doesn’t feel right to go into the romance ballot box and pull that lever.
My Grandmother Memory always told me never to underestimate the ability of a man to ignore something staring him right in the face. I figure it went back to that hunter and gatherer stuff. You know, men like to hunt, so they’re not used to catching things they can spot out in the open.
But here’s the deal: Dating has come out of the Stone Age. Guys don’t club girls over the head and drag them to their caves, and girls don’t have to wear those skimpy Betty Rubble dresses. All of which is just a cute way of saying you may have to check your propriety at the door and ask this fella directly.
Before you go gettin’ your knickers in a knot about that, let’s talk a minute. I’ve met many women who simply refuse to go for the ask. It’s their belief that asking is a man’s responsibility, no two ways about it. With that in mind, if you really do believe the guy goes first, you may have to respect some beliefs of his.
For example, he may believe you won’t go out with him if he asks. He may believe someone as attractive as you are would never ever be attracted to him. He may believe that cute smile you throw his way every | | | Maybe you need to turn up the volume a bit and flirt a little more overtly. | |
time you mention needing some drywall work done in your basement is just an indication of how much Home Depot stock you’ve got in your retirement portfolio. Who knows? He may believe all sorts of things. And he may be as firm in his beliefs as you are in yours.
So from where I’m sitting, you’ve got three choices:
Change your mind.
While perhaps the least attractive, it’s certainly the most direct. You could (just this once) decide it’s OK to ask a guy out. Think of it like this: If he turns out to be your one and only, you never have to face this issue again. If he turns you down, you’ve got new evidence for maintaining your guys-go-first belief in the future. Here’s a tip: To make it easier, go up and say something to him like, “You know, I’ve never asked a guy out before, but would you like to have coffee with me sometime?”
Change your man.
Nothing says you have to keep knocking on his door if he doesn’t answer it. Maybe it’s time to take your ball and see if someone else wants to play.
Change your modus operandi.
You mentioned you’ve been dropping subtle hints on deaf ears. Maybe you need to turn up the volume a bit and flirt a little more overtly with this guy. I’m sure it seems to you that you’re walking around with a neon “Date Me!” sign over your head. But that’s because you already know you like him. To him, your intentional advances may seem like common courtesies. This misunderstanding could be heightened by the fact that you see him only at church where everyone is usually quite friendly.
While I can’t tell you which of these choices is best, I can tell you that each gives you something definite to do. That’s good because this is a situation that cries out for action. After all, there’s an attractive man out there. He could be snapped up by anybody! So get out there and start writing your love story… whether it winds up being with him or with someone else!
Margot Carmichael Lester is a freelance writer based in the Bible belt state of North Carolina. Send your faith-based dating questions to AskMargot@match.com.
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What’s the best way to de-stress before a blind date? |
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30% |
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Working out |
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49% |
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Playing certain music |
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22% |
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Getting a pep talk from a friend |
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